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Another sleepless night

So, it’s a little after 5am and I have not gone to bed yet. This morning at least has a purpose. One of my instructors has decided he can curb cheating on an online exam by forcing all the students text him between 6am and 9am to request the password needed to access the online exam. If you fail to request the password in the required time window, or get the password from a fellow student instead of texting a request,  you automatically get a zero on the exam. Since this is the first time I have faced this type of oppressive action by an instructor in the 3 years I’ve been in college I am choosing to take this as he is new or is reacting to a former student’s negative actions.

Staying up all night is not something new to me. Sometimes it is for a fun, or worthwhile cause like finishing a game I’ve been playing,  cramming for an exam/final, or even enjoying the company of a long lost friend. Those sporadic events are times that losing sleep have a purpose. When you’ve made a memory or accomplished a task by losing sleep, you may be tired, but you know it was worth it.

The bad nights are the ones when I get wrapped up my own head. I spend the night trying to figure out where it all went wrong. My brain just goes into overdrive. I don’t just think about it, I analyze and dissect every action, inaction, and moment of every event in my life. Was this the right decision?  Was that the right choice for our family? How would a different action have changed our lives. This night of sleepless misery accomplishes nothing. For me, there is no way to stop one of these nights once they start. All I can do is ride it out. Gaming doesn’t distract me, nor does reading, watching TV, nor surfing the internet. The argument rages in my head until all the points have been exhausted.

Eventually, after hours of beating myself up the truth finally sets in. While others see the wrong decisions, when I calmly, objectively look at our life it finally dawns on me that we ended up where we were meant to be. It was part of God’s plan for our family.

The fact is that while I have made mistakes,  I have done what we thought was best for our family at the time.

Since I have spent the hour writing this, I will close by saying tonight has a purpose,  and my bed is looking pretty good now that my text has been sent. Have a great day.